Matthew Temple

Photo

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 22:04:07 -0400

Work

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 20:59:00 -0400

I’ve spent the second half of today obsessing over what other work I can do, other than writing my book. Some programming project? Another writing project? I base my worth overly on what I do. I feel it’s necessary to do things in order to have worth, rather than some intrinsic worth concept. But it’s nice to have some way to feel ok with your worth, without having to do more and more to feel that worth. I’ve settled on watching TV and not going to the gym, but just sitting around here relaxing. It’s hard for me to do, but I may have to come to the point of thinking that doing one project at a time is good enough, for now, my one book that I’m writing every day. That is enough.

I used to program

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 18:01:00 -0400

Day and night. For work. For fun. Then I went my separate way from programming, and for the last four years, have been writing books. It’s weird, I still feel the urge to program, and I’ll get out my programming tools, but then there’s no project, no driving force, to make me go forward. All the things I want to make right now are books, not programs. So I’ll make my books, which are kinds of programs meant to be read by humans, not computers. And someday, when I’ve written my books, I’ll go back to software, I think, for I do have a future programming project I’d like to work on while I’m still alive.

Photo

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 17:17:00 -0400

New morning routine

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:07:06 -0400

My morning routine as of this month is now something similar to my routine in the eleventh grade. The routine now is: wake at 5am, do 15 minutes running on treadmill, 30 minutes on stationary bicycle, reading in hot bath, then hot shower, then cold shower, then flossing/brushing and other grooming, then taking pills and eating breakfast.

Psych ward anniversary

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:54:50 -0400

It is officially one year since I’ve been in a psych ward. 2011 had a hard ending for me, where I was inpatient for a total of about three months. Still in 2012 I had another stay, that one only four days. And now it’s been a year since I was in a locked ward, dealing with my bipolar disorder.

I credit my current and relative well-being to family, meditation, and lithium. Staying with family during this time has given me a background of people who love me, and that has made a huge difference. I first meditated with my psychiatrist inside a locked ward, and I have continued that practice, using techniques I learned from my doctor, techniques I have made up myself, and guided audio programs. And my current cocktail of psych meds (lithium, risperidone, escitalopram, clomipramine, and clonidine) is working well at this time.

I feel centered and even. I’m not experiencing mania or depression. I’m taking care of myself physically with hygiene, sleep, and exercise. My thoughts are clear. I am not suicidal. I can once again complete large projects. I am jobless and I live with my relatives, but I’m considering those to be ok for now, given that I have so many of the more basic pieces in place.

Effect of psych meds on writing?

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 19:43:00 -0400

I wonder sometimes if I’d be writing differently if I wasn’t on lithium. Would my current book be better if I wasn’t on drugs?

Here’s my history of novels and the drugs I was on when I wrote them:

2013—The Reminding (lithium)
2013—Starchild (lithium and alcohol)
2012—Of Bicycles and Boardwalks and Oceans and Ships (lithium)
2012—Lacy (lithium)
2011—::HARD (no drugs)
2010—mURdEr cLuB cANDy (no drugs)
2010—Camp Lake (no drugs)
2009—Things Said in Dreams (no drugs)
2004—Snowbunny (alcohol)

nevver: Even a little bit

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:24:00 -0400

nevver:

Even a little bit

"Words cannot convey how deeply unpleasant your book sounds – please don’t contact us again."

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 11:30:00 -0500

“Words cannot convey how deeply unpleasant your book sounds – please don’t contact us again.”

- I received this in response to my query letter for Starchild.

Photo

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:35:59 -0500

Two new books

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 12:11:00 -0500

I recently finished two books.

One is Lacy, an epic of an actress who moves to Los Angeles to seek her fortune. Along the way she struggles with bipolar disorder and drug use.

Second is Of Bicycles and Boardwalks and Oceans and Ships, a stream-of-consciousness love story of a man and a woman in a port city.

You can read both for free on my website.

Things Said in Dreams, published

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:15:34 -0500

Today is the publication day for Things Said in Dreams. It’s officially out. I tweeted about it, and Bryan has updated the links on the Sibling Rivalry Press pages from “preorder” to “order”. So there it is. It’s up on Amazon and B&N, as well as SRP’s BigCartel site. My mother and grandmother are taking me to lunch in a while to celebrate. I have high hopes for the book, which I hope will be exceeded in reality.

I haven’t posted on the blog much lately, because I’m writing another book. So, between now and lunch, it’s back to work on the current one.

I hope you enjoy Things Said in Dreams.

"As satisfying a literary experience as has come down the pike in a novel form in a long time."

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 12:02:41 -0400

“As satisfying a literary experience as has come down the pike in a novel form in a long time.”

- Grady Harp

I just got my author copies of Things Said in Dreams, which...

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 14:37:53 -0400

I just got my author copies of Things Said in Dreams, which comes out this November!

"The crime is expressing your emotions, your feeling, your perspective. That is really what some..."

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 17:15:41 -0400

“The crime is expressing your emotions, your feeling, your perspective. That is really what some people don’t want you to do. Because the fact that you exist is inconvenient for them. That is the real problem.”

Power has been out

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 16:37:36 -0400

For three or four days, from hurricane Isaac. I’m in Baton Rouge, at my grandmother’s, and we all muddled through the best we could, cooking on the gas grill and mostly sitting outside and reading through our power outage. I read American Psycho, which I had sampled before and been meaning to read.

My dad’s mother died today. I got an email from my dad, which I don’t know what to do with since I can never figure out if my dad and I are talking to each other or not. It’s sad that Mable died, and sad that my dad and I don’t have our act together better that we can’t talk to each other on the phone once in a while.

I’ve applied for some jobs down here, and have made it through the initial screenings at at least one tech job. I’m tempted to take down my website, in case they google me and read that I’m bipolar and crazy, or (heavens) that I have other interests than programming. But I’m going to leave it up. It’s worth not getting the job.

DSM IV Diagnoses

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 12:38:03 -0400

Axis I:

296.63 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Mixed, Severe Without Psychotic Features
304.20 Cocaine Dependence, Sustained Full Remission
303.90 Alcohol Dependence, Sustained Full Remission
300.3 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Axis II:

Diagnosis Deferred on Axis II

Axis III:

Obesity
Allergies: NKDA

"What is the anxiety of bipolar disorder like? Patients describe it as “agitation”, and..."

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:36:00 -0400

“What is the anxiety of bipolar disorder like? Patients describe it as “agitation”, and sometimes that is quite obvious: their foot bounces on the floor while we talk; they pick at their nails; sometimes they can’t even bear to sit still and will get up and pace around the office during our interview. But sometimes the agitation is only “inside”: patients experience “too much energy inside my skin”, like they’re going to “explode”, and usually their thoughts are going very fast (sometimes called “racing thoughts”).. When this kind of anxiety is present with other manic symptoms like irritability, it can create an awful experience people feel desperate to get out of. (Very often they discover that alcohol can help settle this down for an hour or two. Unfortunately when it wears off, the symptoms come back, very often worse than before. If a person responds to that by drinking more, that can cause a worsening of the condition over several days or weeks — but because they get brief relief from drinking, they keep doing it and often have to drink more over time to keep their symptoms controlled. This is a dangerous spiral which is statistically associated with successful suicide attempts, so represents a clear reason to get help as soon as possible.)”

- http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Anxiety.htm

Of two minds

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 08:02:00 -0400

The first day off lithium I woke up three hours earlier than normal. I loved it. I don’t like sleeping so much. To be awake for more of the day was wonderful. I found myself thinking, instead of being upset I was off the drug, that you would be hard pressed to get me back on it.

The second day off lithium I was up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts, and woke up five hours earlier than usual. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night. I found myself thinking that I would rather be back on lithium and able to sleep, than have it this way.

That’s the nature of this illness. You find yourself of two minds about things. I don’t know whether I want to take lithium or not. I am, in that way and many other ways, bipolar.

Homelessness and psychosis

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 12:35:00 -0400

I’ve recently watched several videos on bipolar disorder and mental illness, videos I hadn’t seen before. Some of the interviews suggest that the desire to be homeless is part of bipolar psychosis, which was news to me. I’ve experienced the desire to be homeless, the feeling that it’s ok if I’m homeless, but always considered that it was part of my personality or normal thought process.

I used to sleep outside, in Los Angeles, even while I had an apartment, because I wanted to. I made a move to Tucson specifically to be homeless because I thought the weather would support it, and I was homeless there for a short time. I made a move to New York to be homeless, which failed miserably. And I continue to have thoughts of moving back to Vermont and being homeless there.

These documentary interviews suggest that I might consider these thoughts abnormal (as most people would). Most people I know wouldn’t consider courses of action that led to them being homeless. I do consider those courses of action. The idea that this might be psychosis from my bipolar disorder, rather than just normal thoughts, is a revelation.